Talking too much can be a mood killer. However, BDSM requires a lot of communication and connection between the two (or more) people engaging in it.
The best approach is to communicate extensively *before* engaging in play. For a successful scene, Domme and submissive need to know each to know each other’s wishes and boundaries.
However, there should also be an efficient way of communicating during play – ideally one that does not eject everybody harshly out of their fantasy and headspace.
1. Pick a language
If you and your partner happen to speak more than one language, you can play with the choice of language.
For example, you could agree that one language (say, English) is your “play language”, that is, when spoken, you assume that you are saying things “in character”, as a Dominant or submissive.
And you could furthermore agree that whatever the slave or the Domme says in the other language (say, Spanish) is to be understood as being said outside the Femdom dynamic you’re in.
2. Hand check
Sometimes you want to quickly check in with your slave to see if things are alright. Asking “are you ok?” might disrupt the mood just a bit too much.
One subtle way of asking this question non-verbally is by squeezing his hand twice. If he squeezes it back twice, that means everything is fine. If he squeezes only once, that’s the signal that there is an issue. This form of communication can work in both directions.
3. Head motion
The ball gag is on? The mouth is taped shut? The strap-on dildo is in the mouth and the hands are cuffed? That’s when knowing your partners head movements comes in handy.
Before play, best agree that a clear, strong shaking of the head is a sign of distress. You can also agree that slave gives a gentle nod to indicate that a situation is ok.
4. The traffic light system
Especially when you are either new to BDSM or experimenting with new ways of playing, things are not always black or white. A slave might be enjoying a situation, but start getting uncomfortable with what is happening to him. The traffic light system allows giving a “warning” before stopping the action.
Depending on the specific situation, the Domme could ask the slave how he is doing. Or the slave communicates without being asked. In any case, slave (or Domme) could express their state of mind using the traffic light system:
- Green: Everything is ok, feel free to proceed
- Orange: I’m still ok, but approaching my limit
- Red: Things are not ok – stop
This system is particularly well-suited to fine-tune to the needs of all parties involved. It allows getting out of the comfort zone, trying new things, while including a path of return when needed and before things escalate.
5. The safeword
The probably most common way of stopping play when things get too much is using the safeword. A safeword is an emergency word that has been agreed upon before starting play. A safeword should not be used lightly and the goal of play is not to make the slave say it. Instead, it is an emergency brake in case the slave cannot handle the situation anymore. A common word in the BDSM scene is “Mayday”, either said once or three times.
Sidenote: Safewords can also be used by the Domme. A BDSM scene can sometimes become overwhelming for the Mistress as well. It is therefore also ok if the dominant part uses it.
How I do it – the Justified Safeword
It is up to every Femdom couple to decide on a way of communicating. With my slave I went for a method that reflects the 24/7 character of the relationship. As slave and I are not strangers who hook up, but instead know our boundaries well, I opted for what I call the “Justified Safeword”.
“Justified Safeword” means that slave cannot stop play as he pleases. He may use the safeword, and I will pause play immediately. But, and that is the crucial difference to the normal use of the safeword, he has to justify why he wants play to stop.
One thing that slave has learned over the years is that “It hurts!” is usually not a valid justification – “ouch” is not a safeword. If I punish or discipline him, it will obviously hurt. Sometimes more, sometimes less. That’s how it is supposed to be.
As long as there is no medical reason, such as an injury, strong pain is – at least in my personal setting and dynamic – not a reason to stop play. In fact, it rather upsets me if he tries to cop out of punishments by using the safeword.
Therefore, I will continue with whatever I was doing, and there will almost always be an extra punishment for not wanting to take the pain, for not submitting fully. I am the Mistress, and my actions are non-negotiable, or in other words: you complain too much!
A session that follows the Justified Safeword rule can get heated. Once the slave tries to get out of it, it is important to double down. Be unapologetic. I might restrain him further. Use more cuffs, ballgag him. It’s a journey that we are on together and our tie as Dominant and submissive only gets strengthened by such harsh and advertise measures.
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